Life (my life in particular) is full of moments when I'm constantly doubting myself. I'm sure this happens to everyone, and I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. I doubt who I am and who I am becoming. I doubt that people or things ever change. I doubt that I'll ever be good enough for a job or good enough for a person. I feel like all I ever do is bring myself down, and people with me. I don't know how I came to be this way and I don't understand why. Maybe it was my past, maybe it's just me being young and stupid. But if I had the ability to go back in time and tell myself what life is like now, I don't know what I would say. Maybe something uplifting to help get through the days, but if I'm being honest it would be a long list of horrible things. I wish I had the faith I had back then. I wish I had the drive and spirit to get myself through the next day like I used to. I wish I had that hope that everything was going to work out for the better. And I wish I had the lady balls I used to muster. Times have changed and so have I. I've got two jobs, two dogs, and someone in my life. That someone drives me crazy half the time, and my jobs are mediocre at best for the age that I am. I didn't finish school, I didn't travel to Ireland, I didn't accomplish a lot I would have wanted to by now. I get that I'm still young but if growing older and dealing with the same bullshit is what's going to happen, I don't know if I want to see the future of more disappointment. Today is a bad day compared to all the rest, and who knows when I wake up tomorrow maybe this will work itself out in my head. I wouldn't be able to lie to myself if I did go back in time, but I'm afraid if I didn't then I wouldn't be here today. There's been rough patches and easy ones alike. Everyday I wake up and hope it turns out alright. No one will ever see this, or not care enough to tell me anything which is ok. I wouldn't believe them anyway. My whole life I've felt this constant sense of misunderstanding. Maybe I was born into the wrong life, or maybe this is just how it is. I hope it gets better. Future self I hope you read back on this and tell me it's ok. That life worked itself out in every single way. That you're happy and not filled with as much unbelievable doubt as today. That you're so beyond glad that I decided to stay. That the beauty of life has strung it's way through your head, and that times are better though these times right now are better left unsaid. I hope that the day you look back and read this you call yourself and emo naive kid who had no idea, and I hope that everything make sense in the end. This post was way longer thank expected but I hope you see one day. That the only person you need to impress is me. Thanks for coming back and comforting your young naive self, and thanks for all the help.
Jalyssa <3
