*le sigh*

Life..........

Life (my life in particular) is full of moments when I'm constantly doubting myself. I'm sure this happens to everyone, and I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. I doubt who I am and who I am becoming. I doubt that people or things ever change. I doubt that I'll ever be good enough for a job or good enough for a person. I feel like all I ever do is bring myself down, and people with me. I don't know how I came to be this way and I don't understand why. Maybe it was my past, maybe it's just me being young and stupid. But if I had the ability to go back in time and tell myself what life is like now, I don't know what I would say. Maybe something uplifting to help get through the days, but if I'm being honest it would be a long list of horrible things. I wish I had the faith I had back then. I wish I had the drive and spirit to get myself through the next day like I used to. I wish I had that hope that everything was going to work out for the better. And I wish I had the lady balls I used to muster. Times have changed and so have I. I've got two jobs, two dogs, and someone in my life. That someone drives me crazy half the time, and my jobs are mediocre at best for the age that I am. I didn't finish school, I didn't travel to Ireland, I didn't accomplish a lot I would have wanted to by now. I get that I'm still young but if growing older and dealing with the same bullshit is what's going to happen, I don't know if I want to see the future of more disappointment. Today is a bad day compared to all the rest, and who knows when I wake up tomorrow maybe this will work itself out in my head. I wouldn't be able to lie to myself if I did go back in time, but I'm afraid if I didn't then I wouldn't be here today. There's been rough patches and easy ones alike. Everyday I wake up and hope it turns out alright. No one will ever see this, or not care enough to tell me anything which is ok. I wouldn't believe them anyway. My whole life I've felt this constant sense of misunderstanding. Maybe I was born into the wrong life, or maybe this is just how it is. I hope it gets better. Future self I hope you read back on this and tell me it's ok. That life worked itself out in every single way. That you're happy and not filled with as much unbelievable doubt as today. That you're so beyond glad that I decided to stay. That the beauty of life has strung it's way through your head, and that times are better though these times right now are better left unsaid. I hope that the day you look back and read this you call yourself and emo naive kid who had no idea, and I hope that everything make sense in the end. This post was way longer thank expected but I hope you see one day. That the only person you need to impress is me. Thanks for coming back and comforting your young naive self, and thanks for all the help.

Jalyssa <3

Sleepy thoughts: Morals

Sometimes it's hard living with them and sometimes it's hard living without them. I love the fact that I am the way I am, old fashioned if you will. They stop me from doing stupid things, but also stop me from having fun. I don't know how I came to be this way. I hope it's all worth it. 

Jalyssa <3

Life is too short

We go through everyday forgetting that each breath could be our last. We take advantage of moments, of laughs, of smiles. We live like it'll never end. Maybe that's because we know it will. Deep down we choose to ignore it, brush it off. Because the truth is a scary thing. The truth is this life is short. We're here for such a short amount of time in terms of the universe. We are a tiny blip on the radar. It's intense to think that one day we won't be here, and life will continue. Because that's nature, and that's just how it goes. 

There's not a day that goes by that I'm not afraid to die. It fills me up and makes me understand how small I actually am to the world. Not in a bad way. It helps me rationalize what my life is. No matter how big something is to me there will always be something bigger happening and that its totally okay. It'll be okay in the end because it literally isn't the end of the universe. I try to forgive easily, live unregrettably, love often, and be understanding. Life is too short to spend it with hate. The truth is everyone is afraid, but curious as to how their lives will end. Try to see it as a new adventure. It's scary and the unknown is untrusting. But right now, in this moment, you can decide how you're going to see life. How you're going to take certain situations, and how you're going to live with your actions. 

That part is up to you. 

From this moment on you can choose to not let the fact that you're so small to the universe get in your way. Don't let it scare you into doubting yourself and not living your life. Take it as a relief. That the choices you make, even if they're bad, will be okay. Everything will work out the way it's intended to. Let life unfold the way it will and just enjoy the ride. 

This or probably makes no sense cause I'm not very good at explaining things lol try to understand because life is so much better knowing that what you're freaking or stressing out about will work itself out. 

Smiles and hugs!

Jalyssa

It's been a while

I haven't posted in a while because I honestly forgot about this blog. Time passes more quickly with every year. I'm gonna try to keep up with it cause I remember how great of an outlet it was. 

This is my year for change!

I am going to try to keep my promise to myself and post regularly. We'll see how that goes lol life is crazy and anything interesting I'll share. Hell, I'll share even if it's not lol.

I'm back bitches haha

Jalyssa <3

Awesome art using negative space!

jalyssaortiz sent you this page: Negative Space & Tang Yau Hoong

What is the definition of living?

Is it simply waking up?
Or is it being a functional member of society?
Is it being a nonfunctional member?
Is it going where the wind takes you, or simply loving the world and all its beauty?
I can't really comprehend this.
I want to believe its so much more than waking up and going to work.
I want to believe that being happy doesn't take all the money in the world, whis is how the world makes it seem.
I guess only time will tell, and to each their own.
My version of living is being in his arms, being able to do what we want when we want, smiling as much as we can, appreciating art and music for the way it moves you, and using every breath like its the last.
Hopefully I can accomplish all this someday, and die knowing that I lived the way my life was supposed to be lived.

Are you here to stay?

i try to think of the perfect words to say.
to keep you here to stay.
i feel as if i love you is worn and dry, but what more can i say?
what other way is there to express how much i really love you?
you're so far way..i just want you here.
in my arms which are in yours.
i want to believe this will work.
i want to believe what we say will not just be words unaccompanied by actions.
i give you all of me naively.
And hope you take my heart and keep it safe in your hands.
i hope to god this isn't a tease made by life.
a tease at to what my life could be but never will be.
nothing ever seems to work for me..how are you?
it blows my mind you're still here.
still wanting me.